I used to call myself a perfectionist.
A “type a”.
For as long as I can remember I wouldn’t make a decision or try ANYTHING new unless I had all the steps lined up, all the plans in place, all the details figured out.
I’m changing all of that because looking back I can see how many times my “logic” got in the way of my living. Just a few weeks ago I sat on the couch in my spiritual life coach’s office and through tears said to her, “How many times have my fears, my reasoning, my not having everything figured out – cost me joy? Cost me adventure? Cost me experiencing something fun and beautiful and worthwhile?”
I already knew the answer to my own question – too many times.
For 25 years I’ve watched my husband be spontaneous. I used to get so upset and irritated with him about it. I made sure to let him know all the reasons why something wouldn’t work, why we couldn’t do it, how (fill in the blank) would turn into a major disaster. Can you believe this guy still loves me?!
When I started to dig deep down to understand why I would get so angry, irritated and upset with his spontaneity something surprising came up.
I was jealous.
I wanted to do scary things without over-analyzing every step. I wanted to take big leaps. I wanted to imagine something wonderful, rather than terrible, would happen if I didn’t have everything planned out perfectly.
I’ve seen him do things that made me wish I could be a little more like him – a person who jumps and then figures out what to do while he’s flying. Over the last few years, rather than get upset and irritated and being the “logical” one in the relationship, I’ve been watching him more intentionally. I’ve taken mental notes about how he makes decisions, how he processes ideas, how he dreams and imagines. I’ve been following his lead and this is what has happened in the process:
- We moved to a city I’d dreamed of living in my entire life
- We lived in an RV by a beautiful lake for 3 years
- We moved into a house that fit all our dream descriptions of where we wanted to live “one day”
- I’m doing things I’ve always dreamed of doing – writing a book, speaking at events, empowering women to step into their healing
What I’m learning through the process of letting go of logic (sometimes that word can be translated control) is exactly what Albert Einstein said, “Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere.”
I don’t care about point A or B anymore. I’m releasing control. I’m trusting my imagination. I’m asking God to give me peace about not knowing all the little details.
I’m jumping at every opportunity my imagination presents and I’m beginning to see that not having it all figured out doesn’t mean I’m falling – it means I’m learning to fly. These wings are going to take me everywhere.